Lucy Williams

Lucy Faith Williams
31st January 2004 ~ 29th June 2007



Dear Lucy,
From the moment you entered our lives you brought joy, pride and happiness. From that very moment the nurse placed you in our arms we felt a world full of love for you. We were so proud to say that you were our daughter. The first thing that everyone commented on when they first saw you was your hair. It was beautiful. So thick and lots of it. As you grew, your bouncy curls grew and bobbed around your head each time you moved your head.

You were so clever. We only had to show you something once and you were away - doing it all by yourself. You were walking at just 10 months old. Even from a very young age you were a right little chatter box never shutting up! Everyone used to say that you had been here before because you were like a little old lady.

As you grew Lucy you would constantly be chatting to us and telling us all about your dolls and toys. You loved pink and you adored glitter. You used to love dressing up in all your princess clothes and playing with Mummy's shoes and bags. You were never still, always singing, always dancing. Oh Lucy we miss you so much.

Just after your 2nd birthday you told us that you wanted a baby brother or sister! We were so shocked, not only because we thought you were too young to be saying things like that but also because what you didn't know was that we'd been trying for another baby since you were just 6 months old. You tried to understand why you couldn't just have one there and then because your little mind thought we could just go to the shop and buy one!

You'd constantly talk to us about having a baby sister. You said it had to be a girl because you wanted pink and didn't like boys!!! Last Christmas just before your 3rd birthday you were still asking for a baby sister, in fact when we took you to see Santa you even asked him for a baby sister!! He said he'd do his best and Lucy he did just that.

On Christmas morning you opened all your presents and were so excited. Amongst all the excitement we thought you'd forgot about asking for a baby sister but when Daddy was tucking you in that night you said to him "Daddy why didn't Santa bring my baby sister". None of us had an answer for you sweetheart but 4 weeks later we did.... Mummy was pregnant. You were so excited but understood you had to wait a while because the baby had to cook in Mummy's tummy.

Each day you would say "When is my baby sister going to come? Is it today?" You were really finding the wait hard!! We'd sit and explain to you that it was a long time and your baby brother or sister would only be here in September and it might be a brother we couldn't pick if it would be a sister or not. We told you that we could go to the hospital and see the baby on a special screen inside Mummy's tummy and when it was time to go you could come and see it with us too. You counted the sleeps to that day Lucy...

...but that's where it all started to go downhill. With just 4 more sleeps left until the scan you became unwell. You were tired all the time, grumpy (just not like you) and feeling "yuck" as you would call it. We thought you were getting over excited about the scan.

The day of the scan arrived and so unlike you - we had to wake you up that morning. Daddy went into your room and said "Come on Lucy it's that special day you've been waiting for. Time to get up". You looked at Daddy and turned over to go back to sleep. You looked dreadful Lucy. We left you for an hour and went back to you. You had to get up this time Lucy we were running out of time. You cried not to get up. You were so tired you wanted to stay in bed so instead of you coming with us we had to phone Nanny and she came to stay with you. That morning Daddy and I were sat in the waiting room waiting for the scan and instead of being excited we were petrified. I knew there was just something wrong. I looked at Daddy and told him I was worried about you because you looked so poorly and it was just not like you. Instead of squeezing my hand and reassuring me like he normally did he was squuezing my hand but said nothing. The look on his face just confirmed he was thinking the same. He was just as worried as I was.

We went into that scan and tried to stay positive. We saw the little baby on the screen and took in every detail so we could tell you about it when we got home. We even got you a picture! Lucy we walked out of that scan room holding hands with a big grin on our faces we just couldn't wait to get home to show you and tell you all about it.... but that didn't happen Lucy. In the waiting room was Grandad. What was he doing there? He stood up and looked at us and his face said it all. Our smiles dropped from our faces as he told us the news "Lucy's been brought into Casualty by Ambulance. She's very poorly". We all ran to A&E to see you.

When we got there a doctor met us with a very solemn look on his face. "I'm afraid we need to keep Lucy in and do some tests" he told us. He went on to say that they thought you had meningitis. Meningitis? No not you. Not our Lucy. I crumpled to the floor as Daddy bent down to speak to me. "We've got to be strong" he said "Lucy needs us to be strong". We got up and followed the doctor into the cubicle that you were in. Nanny was sat there holding you as you made a weak groan in pain. Tears were streaming down her face as she looked at us and we all broke down in tears.

You were admitted to the Children's Ward and that afternoon they carried out all they had to so they could confirm if you had meningitis. Daddy went into the clinic room with you whilst you had a lumber puncture. I could hear your screams from the other end of the ward and it was killing me. My hands flew to my tummy. The baby. We hadn't shown you the picture of your baby brother or sister. Daddy carried you out of the clinic room and brought you back to your bed. You looked at me and held your hands out. I took you as you curled up on my knee and you stayed there for the rest of the afternoon. Visitors came and went but Daddy and I stayed there all afternoon talking to you about the baby. We showed you the picture and you clung on to it as you slept on my knee. A doctor came to talk to us. He told us that you test results were clear, you didn't have meningitis. We were so relieved. For the first time that day, Daddy and I smiled again, but then came the bad news... they were still investigating. They were very concerned about what was wrong so the news was still bad.

Another couple of hours passed and you were still curled up on my knee. I felt a big warm patch and as I looked down I could see you had wet yourself. Lucy you were such a clever girl and you had always been great with your toileting skills. This wasn't like you. You NEVER wet yourself. Never. Tears flowed as Daddy took you from me and placed you on the bed. We tried to change you but you were just so floppy. You couldn't even hold your head up.

The nurses pulled the curtains around your bed and they stayed like that Lucy. More doctors came in and out to examine you each with very little words but a serious look on the faces. More visitors came in, all bringing you presents and balloons to see if they would cheer you up. But they didn't. You just weren't interested sweetheart. The nurse came in and said that the doctor wanted you to have a CT scan. We walked down to the scanning room with you but had to sit outside. We couldn't come in. We sat in the waiting room outside just squeezing each others hand and looking at each other. The same as we'd done hours earlier in the ultrasound department. Oh how our day had changed from then. As they wheeled you out of the CT scanning room on the trolley to take you back to the ward you were calling my name. I held your hand and stroked your hair. I told you it was ok and me and Daddy were there. Back on the ward you slept again on my knee. Daddy kept leaning over us to hold us. We talked to you constantly, tried to make you laugh but deep down we knew this was serious. The nurse came back in with a playspecialist. She told us the play specialist would sit with you because the doctor wanted to speak to us in the office. Daddy took you from me and passed you over to the lady. We followed the nurse into the office where she sat with us and the doctor as he explained he had some bad news. "I'm very sorry" he said "But Lucy's scan shows a mass on the brain". He went on to tell us that the CT scan had revealed a mass and they thought it was cancer. They were moving you to a different hospital where they would be able to confirm what the mass was and hopefully be able to treat it. Hopefully? HOPEFULLY???

The doctor and nurse left us in the office to spend time together and use the phone to phone people we needed to. My face didn't leave Daddy's chest as he phoned Nanny and Auntie Beth. Each time he just said "You need to come to the hospital" and broke down. We sat in that office Lucy just sobbing. Our little girl might have cancer - being brave didn't happen anymore. The nurse came back in with a cup of tea for us. She sat down and said "We've booked an ambulance to transfer Lucy. Take as much time as you need". She sat with us answering questions we had. How serious was it? Were they sure it was cancer? What else could it be? Could they treat it? When would we know for sure? The look on her face said it all.

As we left the office and got back to your bed Nanny and Grandad had arrived with Auntie Beth. I broke down in tears just seeing them. Nanny threw her arms around me as I sobbed and told me everything was going to be ok. That's what I wanted to do to you Lucy. All I wanted to do was hold you and tell you that everything was going to be ok. But I couldn't Lucy. The word cancer crucifies me so how could I tell you it was going to be ok?

We all sat with you Lucy waiting for that ambulance. It was the worst hour of my life. Daddy kept looking at me but I couldn't look at him. Each time I looked at anyone I'd just burst into tears. Lucy I sat there with you on my knee just kissing your head. You didn't even know we were there Lucy. You sat on my knee just sleeping. You weren't you anymore. I knew before we even got to that hospital that you had cancer. What else could make you like this?

Later that night Lucy you moved to the other hospital. As we were saying goodbye to the staff - each of them giving us that sympathetic look and wishing us luck - we knew this was going to be the next chapter. I went with you in the ambulance while Daddy followed in the car with Nanny, Grandad and Auntie Beth. We got you to the other hospital and we pleaded with the doctors to do something for you.

The next morning we met with your new doctor. All the staff had been investigating through the night and you'd had an MRI scan. The doctor confirmed that you did have cancer. You had a brain tumour Lucy. That's why you were like this, that's why you were so poorly. When we asked if they could treat you he said they would need to operate and would know more after that but - and this was a big BUT - the operation was very risky and you may not come through it. They'd be operating the next day... Daddy's birthday!

Everyone came to see you Lucy, you had so many visitors that day. Everyone knew how serious this was because we'd asked your very brave Grandad to tell everyone. So everyone popped in throughout the day to see you. Each time one of them left they'd break their hearts crying because deep down inside everyone was wondering if that was the last time they were going to see you. Not us though Lucy... we didn't have any tears left. That night both me and Daddy stayed with you. We slept on a mattress at the side of your bed. As I heard a clock outside chime midnight I turned over to wish Daddy a happy birthday. As I put my arm around him tears were pumping down his face... he'd found some more! "I'm sorry" he cried "I'm supposed to be strong and hold you and Lucy together but I can't. I'm so sorry". We both spent that night just lay holding each other and cried every minute of the clock.

Nanny and Grandad arrived early in the morning so they could see you before you went to theatre. We all walked you to the theatre doors but only one of us could go into the room with you until you had gone to sleep. Daddy went in... I couldn't Lucy. Nanny, Grandad and I all said our Goodbye's to you outside the theatre doors and as they wheeled you into theatre I crumbled to the floor holding your teddy bear. Nanny and Grandad stood there - all of us sobbing. We were still there when Daddy came back out with the nurse. He bent down and gave me a kiss "That was from Lucy" he said. I blew one back to you sweetheart...

...we all sat in the office on the ward waiting for you to come back from theatre or just waiting for some news. All of just just stirring into our cups hardly speaking a word. I clung onto your teddy all the time you were in theatre. I'd promised you I would look after him for you. I've lost count how many people sent us a text message asking if there was any news or asking how things were. Your brave Daddy replied to every single one with "PLEASE PRAY FOR LUCY". That was it Lucy that was the answer. Prayer!

Nanny and Grandad stayed by your bed waiting for news and Daddy and I went to the chapel to pray for you. Nanny promised they would come to get us as soon as there was any news. We went to the Chapel Lucy and we prayed. We prayed God would get you through that operation. We prayed for good news but most of all we prayed that you wouldn't be in any pain.

We'd been there a couple of hours Lucy when Nanny and Grandad came into the chapel. "Lucy's ready to come back from theatre" Grandad said. Oh Lucy you'd done it. You'd come through the operation. Oh you brave little girl. After a long and painful 7 hours in theatre you were coming out of theatre.

We all walked to the intensive care unit because that's where you were going after your operation. I was clutching Daddy's hand so tight I think it was actually hurting him Lucy!! I was so scared of what was facing us. In my other hand I still had your teddy bear and the scan picture. You'd fell asleep in that first hospital clutching that picture so it felt right for our baby to be there too looking after you and telling you that he/she was proud of you as well! We walked into the unit and more tears flowed Lucy. You were covered in tubes and wires and on a life support machine. Some of them were happy tears though Lucy. Happy that we had seen you come through the operation. You'd done so well. We just sat there holding your hands and taking it turns to kiss your little head and tell you we were proud of you and you were being so brave. The surgeon came to see us with 2 doctors. They told us that they had removed most of the tumour but they too were pretty sure it was a cancer but it would have to be tested to say for sure. But either way they had removed over 80% of what was originially there. For the first time in days Lucy we had something to be positive about. At last it was sounding like good news.

You were just going from strength to strength Lucy. You came home from hospital 3 weeks after your operation and you were our little girl back again. You were chatty, funny, singing and dancing. You were the Lucy we were used to. In fact just 3 weeks after your operation we went to Auntie Emma's wedding and you had the time of your life... we thought the future was looking up but little did we know that was the last party you would ever go to!

You'd started your chemotherapy and we'd explained to you that you needed special medicine that needed lots of needles. You promised us you would be brave and you were. I remember the night we had to tell you that your hair would come out because of the medicine. Daddy and I had took you to the cinema and to pizza hut for tea then when we got back home we told you that you were so special your medicine was magic and it would make your hair come out so that all the poorly in your body come out and when it grew back you would be a healthy Lucy. You even took that on the chin Lucy. You shrugged your shoulders and said "Oh I'll be like our baby then because my baby sister won't have hair either!"

We knew you were feeling positive Lucy because you were getting excited again about the baby. You were constantly talking about your baby sister and Daddy and I were worried that you just wasn't going to take anything less than a baby sister and you wanted to call her Libby. We tried to tell you that it might have to be a brother but you just kept saying "Don't be silly Mummy I asked Santa - so of course it will be a sister"

Each time after you'd had your chemo or your Mr Wibbles medicine as you called it... you'd be a bit poorly. You were sick alot and you slept but that was ok Lucy because we all knew it was going to get you better and you knew that too. In true Lucy fashion you stole the hearts of all the staff looking after you. Each time you got an infection you would have to spend some time in hospital but you didn't mind Lucy because you had all the nurses wrapped around your little finger! You loved them Lucy and they loved you too.

You started to count the sleeps to our next scan. You were so disappointed you'd missed the first one you were determined you wouldn't miss this one. We told you that if the baby was being good the lady might be able to tell us if it was a sister or a brother and you were so excited.

On the morning of the scan you jumped out of bed and came to wake Daddy and I up. We were so pleased Lucy because this was a completely different story to the first scan. You walked into the scanning room holding Daddy's hand saying "I've come to see my sister". The lady laughed - another heart you'd stole princess! You lay at the side of me on that bed watching the lady's every move. She looked at you and said "Well Little Lucy I have some very good news for you - you're going to have a baby SISTER!" Your little face lit up. You were so pleased. We'd already promised you that you could pick the name and you decided on Libby. That never changed Lucy.

Two weeks later you had got another chest infection so you were back in the hospital. You suffered more needles but needless to say were so so brave all the way through. I'd stay with you all day and Daddy would come each night after work and stay with us until you were asleep. Once you had gone to bed Daddy and I would go to the canteen and just spend half an hour together talking constantly about you and how brave you were. We were so proud of you Lucy. You didn't seem to be picking up from this chest infection though and I was getting worried.

One night Daddy came to see us as usual and you were already fast asleep. I was sat there on that chair just crying and when Daddy came in I told him that something wasn't right and you weren't getting better. He promised me we would sort it and we made an appointment to speak to the doctor the following day. When we met with him though Lucy it was more tears. The doctor looked at us and said "I'm so sorry. The treatment isn't working. There's nothing more we can do" That wasn't what we wanted to hear Lucy. I sobbed in Daddy's chest again just like that very first day you were ill but this time I felt a big kick from our baby. Your baby sister. See Lucy even Libby wanted you to get better. You had to beat this Lucy you just had to but you weren't.

Lucy the next few days were just a blur. I'm not even sure what happened. You were poorly and you were beginning to look poorly as well. You had no colour and you couldn't be bothered with any toys or visitors. Daddy and I met with the doctor again with more tears but this time we had an all important question to ask. "How long did you have left?" The doctor couldn't answer. He told us that you could have months but it might only be weeks. It was a question that he just couldn't answer. He left us in that room to gather our thoughts. Daddy held my hands and looked at me "We'll get through this together" he said to me "We have to be brave for Lucy". That night Daddy and I went home and left you at the hospital. We had some talking to do...

We sat up all night that night Lucy just talking. Both of us just sat on your bed holding all your dolls and teddies just talking about what we should do. What COULD we do? Lucy I don't think I have EVER cried as much as I did that night but in the end we decided that we wanted you to come home. There was no point you being in hospital if they couldn't do anything for you and we didn't want you to die in a hospital or hospice. We wanted you to be at home where you were surrounded by us all and all your toys. So the following morning we went back to the hospital and decided we were going to tell them the news. We were going to tell them that we wanted to bring you home. As we parked up on the car park I looked at Daddy and just needed him to tell me once more that we were doing the right thing. He looked at me and said "Nothing we do is right because this isn't right. Our little girl shouldn't have to face this". He was right Lucy he was so right. We walked into the ward and your face lit up when you saw us. Daddy went to speak to the nurses as I sat with you on your bed while you told me all about what had happened on the ward before we got there. Lucy I sat there with tears just streaming down my face. I hated myself because I was supposed to be strong for you. You looked at me and said "Mummy why are you crying". I had to tell you a big fat lie Lucy and tell you that I had just seen a very sad story on tv and it upset me but I was ok really. Oh Lucy I couldn't tell you the truth could I? I couldn't tell you that I was crying because you were slipping away from me and there was nothing I could do about it. You gave me one of your gorgeous smiles and said "I don't want to wear my hat anymore Mummy I don't care if I don't have hair". Lucy you knew didn't you???

Daddy came back to your bed and scooped you up. "Hi princess" he said. You squealed with delight Lucy and for me that just meant more tears. Daddy sat down with you on his knee and told you that we had something to tell you. You looked at us as Daddy explained that you could go home. He told you that there was no more medicine for you the only thing you needed now was your oxygen and in a couple of days there would be oxygen at our house for you so you could come home. I stood up and I walked away... sobbing. I left the ward and just sat on a bench in the main corridor just sobbing and sobbing and sobbing. Not long after, Daddy came out to me. He bent down and looked at me. He had his serious voice on Lucy. "Listen to me" he said to me "You've got to stop this. I know this is hard and we don't want to face this but we have got to make Lucy's time special and nice. She doesn't want us crying over her all the time. We've got to be strong". Lucy I think that's the first time your Daddy has ever told me off!! But he was right. As hard as it was Lucy we all had to be brave. We had to do it for you. Later that day Nanny and Grandad came to see you. They stayed with you why Daddy and I went home to make some phone calls. Daddy rang people and I text some. Each time just saying "Lucy is very poorly and her treatment is to be stopped. We're bringing her home later in the week". Nobody knew what to say Lucy. We got lots of "Sorrys" but alot people just replied with "Is there anything we can do" to which we replied "BE BRAVE". From that moment on Lucy that became our motto. BE BRAVE. Everyone who came to see you had to have a smile and they couldn't leave until they had made you laugh.... including us. And believe me Lucy that's the hardest job in the whole wide world!

Later that week we brought you home. You had so many visitors. Each day our house would be full of people who had come to see you. You loved the attention Lucy. I think deep down you knew what was happening but you never ever said so.

You'd only been home a couple of weeks Lucy when you were so bad you couldn't get out of bed anymore. You couldn't walk, couldn't feed yourself and was finding it really difficult to even talk to us. Visitors had to come to your bedroom to see you and after a couple of days we had to limit visitors to just 2 at a time because you were so poorly.

On Thursday 28th June I woke up and went into your room. You were breathing really slow and making a funny noise. I called Daddy in and our motto slipped. We couldn't be brave anymore Lucy. I touched you and called your name but there was no response. "Do you think this is it" I asked Daddy. He just looked at me and we sobbed over your bed just holding each other. Daddy decided to phone the Care Nurses out - or the Smiley Nurses - as you liked to call them. Rachel and Emily came out and their look said it all. Emily took us on the landing "I'm so very sorry" she said "But this is the beginning of the end. I would advise anybody who would like to see Lucy comes today". Daddy and I went into our bedroom. I sat on his knee while he phoned everybody to tell them the news. Oh Lucy how brave is your Daddy??? Emily and Rachel stayed with you in your room just nursing you. We went back into you and sat with you. One of us either side of your bed just holding your hand, stroking your head and kissing you. We could hear people downstairs and before we knew it the house was full of people waiting to see you. Each of them took turns to come in and see you before leaving you in sobs. We watched the clock go round and round and round Lucy. Less than 24 hours later at 2.30am on Friday 29th June you took a big sigh and let go surrounded by Nanny, Grandad, Auntie Beth, Auntie Barbs, Daddy and I. You'd had enough Lucy but you'd been so brave. We were so proud of you.

Everyone stayed that day and people continued to flow in and out of the house for a few days. Planning your funeral was the hardest thing we have ever ever had to do. We knew we had to keep our motto up for your service as make it happy and not sad. We asked everyone to wear pink or bright colours. Even Daddy wore a pink shirt and tie!!! Lucy the church was packed full of people who had all come to say Goodbye. I'll never ever forget the sight of your little tiny pink coffin with fairies, flowers and glitter all over it. You had so many flowers Lucy. I have never seen as many pink flowers or shaped to things you loved in my life. Lucy people tell me I am so brave but Daddy is the one who keeps me strong. He holds me up Lucy. He spoke about you at your funeral and said the most amazing words that were just perfect for you. I am so proud of him Lucy.

A couple of days after your funeral we buried some of your ashes. We kept some and took them to EuroDisney to scatter them with the princesses. You would have loved that Lucy.

Lucy every minute of every day I feel you with me. I talk to you constantly because I know you can still here me. Lucy I know you are shining down on me princess and keeping us all going. On Monday Lucy this week (17th Sept) in the very same room that you lost your life... I had a planned home birth and gave birth to your beautiful baby sister Libby. Yes darling we kept your wish and called her Libby. I'm not sure how I'm expected to be happy Lucy - I find it so difficult to smile these days but she'll know all about you Lucy. In between resting and seeing to Libby I've been doing this tribute to you and it's really helping me to cope. I just wish you could be here now to hold her and help me to change her nappies! You would be over the moon with her Lucy. But you know what the most amazing thing is princess???? She looks just like YOU.... and that's the best gift anyone could ever give me - especially Daddy. A living memory of you. My beautiful and perfect little princess. Goodnight God Bless sweetheart I love you so much. Be good until we are reunited together again one day. Lots of love, hugs and kisses from Mummy x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x







I would like to take this opportunity to thank everyone for their kind wishes and support over the last couple of months. But also throughout Lucy's illness:

To my wonderful parents Ronnie & Cath - how can I ever thank you enough? Not just for being the best Mum and Dad I could ever wish for and for keeping me strong when I had to but also for being wonderful Grandparents to Lucy and now to Libby. You are just the best and I couldn't have got this far without you by my side. Thank you xxxxxx

To my amazing sister Beth - you have been my rock. All the times you have mopped up my tears, hugged me and listened to me. Thank you. Lucy thought the world of you and it's clear why... you are just amazing. I love you so much. Thank you xxxxxx

To all the staff who played a part in looking after Lucy but especially Dr Sayed our GP - you helped Lucy in more ways than you can ever imagine. All of you so gentle and caring taking everyday as it came and taking us at whatever stage we were at. I simply cannot fault the care Lucy has ever been given and although it doesn't change what's happened it makes the burden slightly lighter to carry. Thank you xxxxxx

To my beautiful little daughter Libby - I am so so sorry you never got the chance to meet Lucy. She would have loved you to pieces. But I promise you Libby to talk to you constantly all the time about her so you will feel like you knew her inside out. For putting a smile back on my face - Thank you xxxxxx

To Rev Paul Richards - you have been there for us through thick and thin. Always ready to visit us or be at the end of a phone. You have spent many many hours helping us to try and make sense of this despite having a young family of your own. You have never thrown God or the Bible at us and always been ready to listen to us have a go at God or tell you how wrong he is and how he's messed up big style here. You led Lucy's funeral service so beautifully and gave her everything she could have ever wished for. Thank you xxxxxx

To all our friends and families - it is simply impossible to name you all. You have all been the most amazing people to know and helped us so much. You have listened to me, heard my cry, mopped up my tears but above all else kept me sane. Thank you xxxxxx

To my wonderful and most amazing husband Tom - I love you so much. I don't deserve you baby I really don't. But you have kept me strong and been there for me at every hour of every day. You have given me what I wanted and provided both me and Lucy with love and friendship from day 1. I sometimes forget that you have lost your daughter too and you feel the pain I feel, yet you continue to put me first and love me. I can never ever repay you for being the best husband in the world but more than anything else being a truly and devoted Daddy to Lucy and now Libby. Thank you and I love you xxxxxx

And last but by no means least... to my beautiful little princess Lucy - you are the best little girl in the whole wide world. I love you so much princess and miss you more than you will ever know. For being the best daughter any Mummy could wish for and bringing 3 and a half years of pur joy and happiness into my life and leaving me with a heartful of beautiful memories - THANK YOU xxxxxx


Christie Williams
19th September 2007